Jill

SENIOR YEAR--OVER!

Sun, 23 Mar 2003 23:37:15 GMT

Okay, so my senior paper rough draft is due tomorrow. Once the senior paper is written and handed in, there is basically no point to being in school anymore. This weekend was fun. Friday, Shannon and I went ice skating in Wall at this ghetto rink with a bunch of thriteen year old kids and their parents. It was so fun though! Friday was International Day at school. I ate like a horse...like I could not have been worse on my diet. Now I'm depressed, because I was so thrilled to make goal and I probably ruined it all. Yesterday I went to see Jackie Mercandetti in the Colts Neck musical, Anything Goes. It was so good, and I got so upset because our musical is shit. Then today I spent my life indoors working on the senior paper, which is a shame because it's so nice out. I think I'mgoing to hear from the remainder of colleges this week..which is kind of scaring me. I don't know where I want to go or anything. I guess some of my decisions will be made for me once the letters come out. Umm...I'm trying to think of anything else. Oh..the search for a prom date is still going on..and I better figure something out soon because bids go on sale in a week. I think I'm gonna take Hale, my friend from camp. I don't know, all the talk about prom kind of depresses me. Ok..that's everything for now!

CLAY IS GOD

Wed, 19 Mar 2003 03:39:40 GMT

I would like to deidcate this entry to my future husband, Mr. CLay Aiken. You may know him from American Idol. I'm in love with this man...like want to rape him every time he opens his mouth. I can't take it! I love talented boys! Anyway, it was a boring day. I don't do any work anymore, and it's caught up with me. My grades are for shit this marking period, but I just don't care. I have no initiative, except in my civil law class, which I really enjoy so I don't mind doing the outlining and stuff. I'm supposed to be off-book for two of the sows I'm in, and I don't know a thing for either. I really need to get on that. I had select ensemble rehearsal afterschool. Talk about a slow death...I dislike every piece, but one. We're doing "All the Things You Are," one of my college audition pieces, and I love that, but the rest are god-awful. Then I came home, ate a quick dinner, and went to my acting class at Center Stage. For the acting showcase we're performing Crimes of the Heart, and I play Babe, the lead. The play is to be done in Southern accents, which is giving me hell, but I'm doing the best I can with it. I was relieved to find out that the showcase date can probably be moved, which takes care of the conflict I was going to have, being that the same night is my camp friend's sweet 16 that I really wanted to go to. Then, I watched my husband-to-be rock on American Idol, and now I'm doing the outlining for AP Government that I should've been doing during that time. That's basically all my thoughts for now...but I just want to vent quickly. I was informed today that the trip to see Gypsy on Broadway with the chorus and band was cancelled, along with all other out of state trips, because of the threat of war. Umm...seriously, let's talk about stupid. If New York gets nuked we all die anyway! I'd rather die watching Bernadette sing Sondheim music than in Marlboro High School. Honestly, everywhere is dangerous! There is no safe place to be! Except maybe a bomb shelter....

WOW..I cannot believe the weekend is over...

Mon, 17 Mar 2003 03:24:55 GMT

This weekend went crazy fast...where did all the time go??? I looked forward to Friday night all week, which I previously wrote about, and then Saturday I went to see some friends in Anything Goes at CBA. Which brings me to my story..in second grade I had a huge thing for this boy Mike Mancuso in my class. At the end of the year, he moved to Belgium, so I never expected to see him again. And then..he moved back and went out with one of my friends!!! It was so strange to hear his name again..so anyway, he goes to CBA now, and at auditions for their musical, he's talking to my friend Sara, the one he went out with in the past, and he gets my screen name. So we catch up on where we've been the past 10 years (haha) and then discuss hanging out. Now, as you read in an earlier entry, I'm sort of "in love" with several people right now, so in attempts not to lead him on, I told him I didn't think we should. Okay the story confusing at this point, and completely not worth explaining, but the poin is I saw him at the show because he plays piano in the pit. So during Act 1, Jackie leans over and says "Ohhh that guy's cute" having no idea that it's Sara's ex-boyfriend, and so I tell her everything and it was just like wow! So weird that she chose him of everyone! Haha..okay basically that was a pointless story but whatever. Umm...today I went looking for prom dresses. Talk about depressing...I didn't find anything first of all, because everything shown in tacky and overdone...and I want something elegant and classic, maybe even something funky and vintage. I don't have a date yet, and it's making me feel really bad. I mean, last year for the junior cruise, I had my pick of boys to choose from, but now they either have girlfriends or I don't talk to them anymore. It's so upsetting..I never thought I would have issues finding a prom date. I mean, I could bring camp friends, I have guy friends from camp that would make great dates, but to be honest I don't want to submit them to a night in New Jersey with a bunch of people they don't know and probably won't have anything in common with. Prom bids go on sale in a few weeks!!! Help please!!!!

WEEKEND UPDATE

Sun, 16 Mar 2003 06:33:36 GMT

Hey! Okay..so I'm ridiculously overtired. Running on empty LOL. Okay, first of all I made a pact with some friends that by the Ides of March (March 15th) I'd break my dry spell and I would get ass. We went to a club last night, the 14th, so I thought for sure I would hook up with someone there. But I didn't. And you wanna know why?? Because the kid who I spent the entire night with my friend Andrew, who I used to like but I never see anymore. Mind you, he has a girlfriend, a serious one at that....and while I probably COULD have taken advantage of his drunk soul, but I wouldn't do that. It's weird...I always say how I could totally be the one that a guy would cheat on someone with, and yet I don't think I could ever go through with it. I'd feel too guilty. I mean, I don't have any relationship with his girlfriend, but it's still not right. I get really depressed that I'm like that though. Because honestly, I don't feel like if the situation were reversed, and his girlfriend were in my position, that she would not do something like that because she felt bad for me, someone she doesn't even know. God, I'm so dumb sometimes. There are some situations where I act really selfishly, and then ones like these where I don't. Then, after the fact, I feel like a jack ass, like what difference would it have made? She probably would've never found out. So what's the big deal? I don't even think I'm making sense, I'm so tired, and such a mess. AHHHHH!

BOOOOOOO

Thu, 06 Mar 2003 04:06:44 GMT

Okay....so call me conceited if you'd like, but I consider myself one of the best singers in my school. So when I found out the school was having an MHS Idol contest, similar to that of the American Idol contest, I told the school president that of course I would try out. I thought it'd be fun....and then I DIDN'T MAKE IT!!!! Like...how does that happen? Mind you, some of the people are absolutely positively NOT better than me. I fuckin hate my life. Seriously....I was having a really bad week, and this just made it worse. The part that kills me is the reasoning behind it all. That people who take lessons sound the same?!?! PLEASE! Dude, these judges should be shot. I mean, come on, one of them is a fuckin gym teacher! I don't know what's worse...that or the fact that Lauren Buzelli made it and I didn't...whatever. I can't talk about this anymore. I'm gonna vomit.

What a weekend!

Mon, 03 Mar 2003 02:41:00 GMT

WOW...okay I'm sooo tired, but I still hafta study for a Pre-Calc test that I'll probably fail regardless of whether or not I study for it. Anyway..so this weekend I went to Philli to see Tick Tick Boom with my camp friends, Sabrina and Ariel. Ariel's a boy by the way.It was fun...I havent seen or spoken to Ariel in a while, so on the train ride to Sabrina's we got to catch up which was nice. He's been having a tough time at school (he's studying business at NYU's business school), no only because of the workload but socially. One of his roomates is a camp friend of ours, who apparently is really difficult to live with. I feel bad that he's been having it rough. He's best friends with Gabe, so we spoke about him a lot. Ariel was telling me how the other night he hung out with Gabe and Gabe mentioned that I told him I'd be seeing Ariel. Ariel made some kind of joke hinting that he wanted to have a threesome with Sabrina and me, and planned on getting us drunk to do so. Gabe followed that comment with a "Don't do that to Jill." So Ariel challenged it with a "Why would you care? I'm just playing around." To which Gabe replied, "If you hurt her, I'll kill you." Mind you, Gabe would never do anything sweet or protective like that to my face, actually I shouldn't say never. Sometimes he's surprisingly nice. But most of the time he's just not really emotional at all. We kinda just fool around and he makes jokes that I laugh at type of thing. Anyway, Ariel then told me that if I made any kind of move he knows Gabe would reciprocate, and that I need to tell him how I feel. Of course, I probably won't have to, because now that Ariel knows he probably will. It's not like I didn't already KNOW I had to do this, but the more I hear it the more certain I get that I truly do. Anyway, so we saw the show, which was fantastic, then went back to Sabrina's. We decided to drink and after only a little bit I got real sick and proceeded to throw up for a while. Gross I know...I think it's because I'm dieting and so I drank the little bit I did on an empty stomach. So that was a fun experience...overall the weekend was great though. I love my camp friends!! But now I'm left with all the work I should've been doing while I was gone. Too bad I have no initiative whatsoever. God...I'm so lazy!!!!

UPDATE!!!

Tue, 25 Feb 2003 23:38:52 GMT

Okay, could it have been any longer since I last wrote??? Jesus Christ!!! Okay...so my feelings as of now go as follows. I'm going a little crazy, as most of you know, because I'm in love with a friend of mine from camp and I need to tell him but I don't know how to. I have this other potential guy from another school who has been genuinely showing an interest in me. It's unlike what I'm used to, because most of the time guys just use me for ass, and our relationships don't go anywhere...but I feel like this kid genuinely wants to get to know me and cares about my personality and stuff. Now, the problem arises here. It's hard for me to pursue anything with that kid when I'm not over this camp boy, and I'm not over Alex. For those of you that are not already aware, I confessed to my good guy friend from home that I liked him and he basically rejected me haha. He has a girlfriend from another town, and it drives me crazy! Anyway, it seems unfair to this kid to go out with him and maybe pursue something when I have these strong feelings for other boys you know? My Gabe obsession (Gabe's the camp boy) is consuming me to no end. It's all I think about. I can't sleep some night thinking about him. Seriously, it's getting ridiculous. Now aside from my boy situation driving me nuts, I can't deal with school anymore. It's senior year, and I just can't find the motivation within myself to do any work. I'm so so lazy it's ridiculous. Spahr is killing me with all this senior paper shit. Honestly, it's so pointless. I'm not learning anything, and it's just a miserable, drawn-out process that is keeping me from watching TV and going online, and other things that I actually enjoy doing. I'm also involved in not one, not two, but FOUR plays right now. I don't know any lines for any of them, even though I'm supposed to be of back for atleast Act I of three of them! Way to go, Jill!!!! Now, let's see...what happened today that was interesting? Hmm...NOTHING. I seriously can't think of one exciting event. I lead such a boring life. Oh, I know something that happened. I ordered this service online that allows your IM's to be sent to your cell phone when you're not on the computer. However, I need to get it canceled because it's driving me crazy and costing a fortune! I've spent the entire afternoon trying to fix this problem through AOL operators and even representatives of my phone service and no one can fix it!!!!! Kill me please!!!! And because I'm such an emotional mess lately I started crying to the phone operator begging him to help me because I couldn't deal with my life anymore. He laughed....I guess I would have to. He was like, "Child, you crack me up! That's the greatest line I've heard all day!" I'm glad someone is benefiting from my misery. Okay...enough for now. I'm gonna be better about writing in this..I promise!!!!!

Jill

KILL ME

Thu, 23 Jan 2003 03:59:09 GMT

Umm bye...such a bad day. Well it started off fine..I got back a Pre-Calc test and shockingly didn't fail it. I do really poorly in math, but my other grades are good. Anyway, so I got an 84% and cried tears of joy over it haha. Even the remainder of the school day was fine. Nothing special happened. Well..actually, something did set off my bad mood. Okay...so this person who I'm friendly with once liked me, and I liked him a little too, but we never talked about it, and the moment passed us by. This year I guess the feelings came out...but then he got over them real fast..and I haven't. I like him a lot and it drives me crazy that he doesn't want me. I don't normally frun into this problem. Normally if I like a guy and I pursue it, eventually he's mine. But he just won't budge!!! It drives me insane!!! We're dealing with a person who's good looking and talented..and believe me he knows it, so the fact that he knows I like him is making his head even bigger which I HATE. AHHHHHH--it's just so frustrating...it makes me so angry that sometimes I just can't concentrate on anything else. Anyway, so this kid, we always walk from 10th to 11th together. It's like one of my favorite times of day because of it..but I feel like he doesnt like walking with me anymore. Like he wants to get rid of me or something..it's hard to explain..but I just feel like he can't wait until the point where I have to continue on to my class and I drop him at his English room. Being that I have low self esteem to begin with, the fact that he has rejected me is not helping. I feel like one of the few things that makes me feel good about myself is when a guy shows interest in me. God, I'm rambling I probably don't even make sense, but I'm going insane here. I have my first midterm tomorrow--BASKETBALL. I think my school is the only retarded one that thinks a gym midterm is necessary..ugh..kill me. Well that's it for now, I really have to go study. PLEASE COMMENT! I need advice on this boy before I pull my hair out!!!!

my first entry

Wed, 22 Jan 2003 01:58:37 GMT

Hey!! Okay...so this is my first time doing one of these. I heard about it from a friend of mine, Jackie, and because I always write in a journal at home anyway, this would make it easier since I'm always on-line. Then all you bored people would get to read about the interesting things I do. Okay..so where should I start? Well..today the cast list for our school musical, Carnival, went up. Oh yea, I should mention that..I sing and act and stuff. Big part of my life...I'm trying to major in it in college and I go to performing arts camp and whatever..okay you get it. Anyway, I got the part of Rosalie, which is one of two female leads, so I'm really excited. Other than that the day wasn't very eventful. Yesterday I joined Weight Watchers. I'm not fat or anything...in fact I'm the perfect weight for my height of 5 feet 3 inches, but because I was crying every time I tried on clothes in the mall my mom finally let me join with my sister. Because I want to lose 15 lbs by spring break when I go away with my friends to the Bahamas, I'm going to do whatever it takes, but let me tell you, it is grueling. I hate not being able to eat when I'm hungry. My whole life I've always been able to eat whatever I want whenever I wanted it. I guess now it's finally caught up with me. Anyway, if you're not familiar with the Weight Watchers diet, everything is a point scale, and you can only accumulate a certain amount of points per day. Well in my weight group you can only have between 18 and 23. My lunch alone was 11 points, an that consisted merely of a sandwich, drink, and handful of pretzels. God, it sucks. Okay, I think that's enough for right now. I'll be back later with more fun things happening in my life. Bye!!